Lifeline: Everyone needs one ... be a lifeline

     When I was 14, my father drove his car into our garage-converted-into-a-recreation-room, sealed the door again, sat in the car, and turned the engine on. I have never felt like any of it was my fault, even at that age and even less as I have grown older. We each make choices and the choices are our responsibility even if we have had no control over the circumstances.

What is a lifeline?

     But, I have sometimes wondered if I could have been more present for my father. Perhaps, I could have been someone that was important for him to continue to be around. You may say that it should have been the other way around but those “should”s are slippery things. The reality is that we never truly know how our actions, or lack of actions, will affect others. Which is an excellent reason to always do our best even if we know sometimes we will fail.

     There are many instances of real, physical, lifelines. One that immediately jumps into the front of my thoughts is with pairs of mountain climbers (perhaps even more so with rock face climbers). One is not the lifeline of the other, they are lifelines of EACH other. Either one may lose their grip and fall and, hopefully, the line between them will save a life. Occasionally, the situation may be such that the second also loses their stability and both fall to an unforeseen doom. Such is the risk.

     Other lifelines are not quite so dramatic but still important. For a roofer, the lifeline may not be to another person but “just” to some part of the building that is considered stable. The same type of thing may be present for a window washer or someone installing windows on a skyscraper.

When a lifeline doesn’t have a line

     One can extend the concept of a lifeline to many safety devices. A parachute or a bicycle helmet. The parachute is a lifeline for a pilot in an airplane. It is sports equipment in the case of a parachutist. A lifeline is supposed to help protect you from severe harm, and potentially death, if something goes wrong. Some are integrated like with a “governor” which notices when a vehicle is going too quickly and starts applying the brake and doing other things to protect the user.

People can be lifelines but we choose the limits.

     Lifelines are still not “unbreakable” and, just like with the mountaineer team that plummets down the mountain side together, the lineless type of lifeline can still end up being a risk for both.

     I had a cousin who was an alcoholic. She would call and I would listen. I considered this to be my requirement to be a good cousin to her. Once she asked for some money, which I gave to her. But, another time she asked to come stay with me as she “had no place to go”. I admit that I panicked. It is one thing to be a support and another to invite a vampire into your house. I hit my limit. It is “easy” to invite someone into your house but not so easy to have them leave again if they have severe problems. It can be like trying to save a drowning person. Are you strong enough to support them while they are trying to drown themselves and you? I said no which is something that is not easy for me. I still don’t know whether I did the “right” thing. I only know that I did what I was able to do at the time.

Everyone needs lifelines

     We don’t all have them but, in my opinion, we all need lifelines. Because we can all “fall”.

     Some people use rigid scheduling and life structures as lifelines. This method works until it breaks. They often break. Many more have a friend (not always reliable) to whom we can stretch out and have them hold our hands. That person may be a relative such that, in theory, there are two lifelines between you. One is as someone you trust and the other is a familial obligation (such as myself with my cousin). My wife is my partner and best friend so I trust that lifeline a lot. But, based upon my life experiences (starting at the beginning of this piece), I refuse to allow myself to rely on any lifeline. Whether that is a strength or a weakness is something I do not know.

If a person has no lifelines

     In the US, we have an example of someone with no lifelines as a prominent figure in electoral politics. He has no one to rely on and there is no one who can rely upon him. Everything, and everyone, is a potential threat. He must always think of himself first and only of himself. Without any external line for safety, the walls have to be built “solid” but they can never be solid enough. As for the safety others, what does he care?

Who, what, and where are your lifelines?

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It takes two: But somehow, US legislators hide the other behind a curtain

     This newsletter is about something that should be of concern to everyone. But, to discuss it, I will be jumping over a topic that is of great controversy within the US. It is an important topic and I have very firmly held opinions. Others have very different firmly held opinions. It just isn’t the focus of this newsletter. Discussing controversial topics is something that people should not shy from but my newsletters are written primarily to inform of basic issues.

     So, I jump over a very important period of time. And here we are with an undesired pregnancy. At this point, there are a lot of states and legislators who feel that they should direct the outcomes.

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Some Basic Facts

     For a pregnancy to occur (at present, cloning or asexual reproduction may not always stay within the realm of science fiction) it requires an egg and a sperm. One comes from a person who has the genetic capacity to produce eggs. The other comes from someone who has the genetic capacity to produce sperm. We call these women and men though genetics are not always so simple (but 99.99+% of the time it is).

     A journey is started when the sperm encounters the egg. At what point the result is called this or that is not the focus of this newsletter. It has happened and an end result occurs. What happens then? At this point, there is a fertilized egg. It is estimated that between 50% to 70% disappear before they are noticed by the mother or a pregnancy test can come back with a pregnancy verdict. Beyond that point, it is considered a “pregnancy”.

Now that it is a “pregnancy”, humans start making decisions

     Once a pregnancy is known, people start having opinions about it. Some love it. Some fear they will not be a good parent. Some never wanted it. Some others feel that it has been decided by fates beyond the control of humans. For some, it was violently forced upon them. Unfortunately, many who feel “it was meant to be” decide that they want to control the pregnancy and the mother. Yes, I said the mother — the (mostly male, but not exclusively) legislators decide that they know more than the mother, doctors, and the universe what is best. AND they almost always neglect the participation of the father in the event even though IT TAKES TWO to start the journey.

Consequences and Control

     50 to 70% of the fertilized eggs disappear before they can be counted within the group called pregnancy. Does that mean that nature, and the universe, has given the fertilized egg a pass? No, in the first trimester another 10% to 20% cannot continue to make the journey towards the outside world and are taken away. But, once it is officially a pregnancy, some legislators want to control the woman (never the man) for what nature has decided — it makes no difference to their legislation how, or for what reasons, the journey has been launched.

      What if the mother (or the father — in this situation, the man does often make the decision; I know of several abortions that were insisted upon by the man) decides it is best for the fertilized egg to not complete the journey? This often falls into the same laws that apply if nature/the universe/God has made that decision. Once again, such legislation is pointed towards the woman and NOT the man even though IT TAKES TWO.

Some of the various out-of-balance legislation concerning the journey of the fertilized egg.

     Once considered pregnant (even earlier if one counts “morning sickness” and similar bodily effects), the woman is the entire universe of the fertilized egg in transit. As I understand it, rabbinical scholars consider the egg in transit to be an integral part of a woman and not a separate object. It is also true that, in many cultures with high infant mortality, even after escaping into the world, a child is not named for a year or two as something that is part of the family for so short of a period of time does not need one. Those items of information do not sway the opinions of those who feel they should control the woman’s body.

     In the US, many government entities and courts feel that the fertilized egg, independent from the mother, has individual rights that are considered to be more important than the rights and safety of the mother. They give themselves authority, and control, over the woman carrying the fertilized egg in transit once it can be defined as a pregnancy. (There are some outliers who want to define even earlier in spite of the very high spontaneous abortion rate.)

     Mostly, these controllers of women want to make sure that the mother does nothing to stop the journey of the fertilized egg. Prevention of undesired pregnancies is not of importance, consequences of forced pregnancies is not important, the likely future situation of the escapee at the end of the journey, and the health of the mother and fertilized egg are not important. The journey MUST continue! And that’s a problem in many different ways.

     First, is the reality that 10 to 20% of the journeys are stopped by the universe with no direct interference from anyone. But, once recognized as a pregnancy, it is the responsibility of the mother (the father is kept behind the curtain) to keep the journey going and can get into severe trouble if the universe decides differently and spontaneously (as part of that 10% to 20%) end the journey. The choice to terminate this particular journey is removed, regardless of the impact on the woman, her life, and future. The choice is also made by those outside sources not taking into account the future stages of the fertilized egg.

     Secondly, the journey is easy for some women. For other women, it is very hard and there is need of all kinds of support — financial, medical, social. But that’s not important to the controllers. Only the journey matters and the woman (not the man) will be held responsible even for consequences directed by the controllers.

     Thirdly, once the fertilized egg has moved out from the warm comfort of the woman into the harsh, cold world, the controllers don’t care. And that’s a huge problem since the controllers are making sure the consequences will happen if the fertilized egg is forced to continue to move into the outside world.

What about the man, where is he?

     Back to that second half (the sperm) of the start of the journey of the fertilized egg. There isn’t much special during the period before the fertilized egg makes itself known. But once it makes its announcement, the mother faces momentous things in her life. Most of the time, it is hopefully a joyful discovery. But not always and, when outside groups take control of her and her body, choices become fewer and more dangerous.

     What about the man? In my opinion, he should be informed. Past that, the mother should be making all final decisions. Should the man be part of this journey? Was his part an unwanted, perhaps forced, event upon the mother? Will the man be a welcomed and supportive part of the journey?

     At this point, those who want to control COULD be of assistance. Once identified, the male-side-of-the-journey should be required to financially support. If his part was forced upon the woman then I think measures should be taken such that this never happens again. Prison or castration. At all times, the mother should be in control of her own body and her own decisions.

When control of her body is taken, all support is mandated

     Even though not desired, if an outside group does make decisions of control over the woman then they must also commit to support of the mother during the journey and after the possible entry into the outside world. Anything else is completely immoral according to both explicit and implicit standards of society. Aside from the remembrance that a man is also (perhaps exclusively) responsible for the start of the journey, this is the primary point for this newsletter. One can swipe from the comics as “with great power comes great responsibility” but, in any set of words, control must be teamed connected to support.

The community, or village, is there to support

     The group of people, with final responsibility, is the community. The village should be in full support of the journey, if desired, within the mother. And, the village should be supporting of those who recognize the completion of the situation which includes the mother and the originator of the sperm. The journey of the fertilized egg started with a man and a woman and, with the woman’s body being that which is most directly affected, the continued participation of the man, and the surrounding village, should be the primary source of support of any needed nature.

Adolescence: When Once is Enough

     When one is just chatting with people, two related topics come up on occasion. They are two aspects of the same thing. Would you like to live forever and would you like to be young again? There is no “right” answer but, being me, I always respond with a question (my universe will never run out of questions) — “would I have to go through adolescence again? There is no way that I would go through adolescence again.”

     People are unique. I am sure there are those who had a fantastic adolescence and would go into a perpetual loop for those years over and over again. But I, personally, have never met such a person. I believe the odds are heavily against there being a lot of people who go through such an ideal period.

     Why? Humans change all through their lives. The first aware collision (after birth) between the maturing human and their environment is often called “the terrible twos”. This doesn’t mean the child is necessarily terrible but much adaptation is required on the part of the child and the part of the guardian. Both need to adapt. If neither adapts, it is difficult for the child to continue healthily on their unique path. This, however, usually occupies only a few months within our lives. (Admittedly, there are those who do not appear to have ever fully graduated this stage.)

     Change during adolescence may be better likened to that of a caterpillar metamorphosing into a butterfly. So many changes. Some authorities (what is an authority — I don’t really know — only Google and other search engines know) indicate that adolescence should be extended until through about 24. I believe that this is because of the greater complexity of “growing up” and being able to fit into society. I suspect that “authorities” would have shortened the adolescent period in the 1700s or 1800s because you were expected to launch into the world much earlier than today.

     These changes can be grossly grouped as biological, psychological, and social. A person may encounter difficulties, and roadblocks, in one of these areas — or in all. As I said above, it is possible that there will be no difficulty for a person but I have never met that person.

     For me, I was fairly lucky (but still would never want to repeat it). I had severe acne but the worst was on my back and shoulders. I was moderately depressed in childhood so I benefited physically from the emotionally created sleep. I was tolerated amongst many different social niches — though I was still lonely as I was not part of any of them. And I was so aware of the power of women that I was scared s..tless of even approaching them much less run into the minefields of dating (which has gotten even worse over the years). (I did ask — and was refused by — three young women to the senior prom.)

     But my mild case of adolescent navigation is not the norm. As stated above, some focus on one area of changes and few (I believe) in all. Out pacing others — or lagging behind — in the class in terms of physical growth and changes activates the anxiety of those who are scared of the changes. This anxiety often is reflected in passive or active bullying. The attraction of the mythical “normal” becomes absolute. It is why some jeans commercials advertise being unique by everyone dressing the same.

     School districts (or superintendents) seem to be deliberately obtuse about the need for high schoolers to sleep later and start classes at not-so-early hours. Even when the parents of a district pummel the district enough to follow through on what is reasonable, it can be diverted. In our younger sons’ school district, it was planned to change schedules to ones better suited for the different ages. But the superintendent changed and the wealthy parents of the district succeeded in clobbering the plan. Back to square one for all.

     Biological changes and differences from the average have the advantage of being visible — there is something to point to. But the psychological and social changes are much more long lasting. Of course, some of that may be initiated by physical changes. Feelings of inferiority can arise out of comparisons to others — either ones that we make ourselves or by others about us.

     It’s not my belief that children are inherently malicious but they can be quite insecure. Insecurity and fear can lead to very poor behavior with other children. One would think that a feeling of solid support from the family would offset the outside pressure. Unfortunately, all too often, the negative feelings that can be experienced during adolescence are locked inside and unable to be shared with the family (assuming that one is lucky enough to have a supportive family). Not shared, not helped.

     In the United States, sexuality is still considered to be a bad thing. Not just the acts of sexuality but even discussing it or the feelings associated with sexuality. This may result from religious roots (mistaken beliefs about the Garden of Eden and exile) or a general puritanical desire to hide away all aspects of the physical body. But, with hormones shifting and surging, adolescents need help and guidance especially when they won’t admit it. The US (and even worse in some other areas of the world) has shifting, unhelpful, attitudes about dating and gender roles. Confusing to adults, even more confusing to adolescents.

     Fear of the future during changes, fear of exposure of feelings of weakness and uncertainty. In the idyllic past, children passed through this stage by being part of a small local group. Within a small peer group, the dynamics could be sorted out, albeit with difficulty. Today, the adolescent is confronted with a world of their peers. Shaming goes from one-on-one to hammered attacks. A physical ideal expands from 1 out of 20 to 1 out of a 100,000 so that almost no one can even approach it. The anonymity of the Internet removes personal responsibility and the group mind of the folks of the “Lord of the Flies” situation can arise.

     With all of these myriad changes arising within a flood of humanity, individuals may give up. They may feel it’s hopeless. They need support.

     Are we lost? Never. But a shift of importance is needed. A shift from quantity to quality. Experienced, knowledgeable people (and not AI for the foreseeable future) need to be available to those going through the minefields of adolescence. Anonymity on the Internet is a new phenomenon — though closely related to the old “poison pen” anonymous letter in the mail or telephone call in the middle of the night. Precise identification of individuals may not be necessary but the ability to block them should be possible. Some individuals are trolls, bent to poison others and society. (Trollbots also exist though I am unaware of them targeting adolescents.) Banning books and knowledge has never, throughout all of history, been a positive response to chaos — but that urge is tied to the need for guidance of those in the search for identity.

     Particularly in the US, if something doesn’t generate profits it isn’t really considered important. (Lip service (but not the reality) is given to social workers and educational workers.) But the coming generations are the foundation of future workers (and even profits). Society, as a whole, needs the coming generations to be supported in all the ways we can. Parents and guardians can take up more of the support load but only by being supported themselves in their own needs.

     We need to shift from short-term goals and results to that of generational needs and long-term effects on each other and the planet.

“Make it so.”

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Clients vs. Customers: just words or a real difference?

 

     Most languages have a fluid vocabulary. A word can mean something in one year and -- in another year or ten years or fifty years -- have a different meaning. Sometimes the meaning can even flip; a "good" word can become a "bad" word. Some languages, such as French, have monitoring organizations to attempt to control the language. Of course, people will use language as they will no matter what the dictionary says.

     When my business partner and I had our company, one of my many hats was as head of client support. This was quite apart from customer support. Most of our clients included repeat business over a span of ten to fifteen years. We did not want to sell them something that would fill our pockets but not meet their needs. I like to think that this was, at least in part, because of our desire to do "the right thing", but it was also looking at the relationship from a long-term point of view. A client, for whom we did our best, became a referring client and a long-term, repeating, client.

     We had an excellent percentage of repeat business -- around 90% of our clients either referred some other company to us or purchased more products at a later time. And, within the world of software, people that we worked with at one company often moved to another company and, when need arose, they thought of us to supply their needs.

     This did not always work out, of course. We had clients who "disappeared". They had problems and, instead of reaching back out so we could work with them to eliminate the problems, they huddled together and failed. I'm sure that we all know both individuals and companies who take this path. In one case, this happened but it happened deliberately because they wanted a scapegoat for poor product decisions that they had made.

     90% is still a good record for a company. But what about customers? Would treating them as customers have really made a difference? It depends. If a person uses both words as largely synonymous then there is no difference. But if a customer is a one-time transaction and a client is an ongoing relationship then there is definitely a difference.

     More than thirty years after having co-founded the company, I am still in touch with some of our client companies and people who have worked with them. We are no longer actively supplying product -- but we can still offer suggestions, and advice, when asked.

     There have been no regrets that we approached each company as a client.