"How are you?" "What's up?" "Howzzit going?" These aren't really questions even though they may be written with question marks at the end of the phrase. They are social interjections. There may be a response but it will probably be a standard response for the person and should not be relied upon. (As someone likely on the autism spectrum, this aspect of social dynamics was difficult for me to understand.) This does vary a bit. The more you know someone and the closer the relationship, the more likely they will take it seriously as a question and, as such, leads into the heart of this blog.
When you seriously ask a question, then you should expect an answer. But you should not have determined what the answer "should" be before you have even asked the question. You get their attention, ask the question, and wait for the response. You should not do a "hit and run" to ask a question and then be half-way down the corridor before they start to response. Communication involves listening and this applies to both the person posing the question as well as to the person hearing the question. You cannot be listening if you are already heading off to your next item of the day.
So, you've asked a real question (it may still be "how are you?" -- but you really want to know). You have stopped, or paused, and wait for the answer. Do you have "that's good" on your tongue before they have responded? If you have already decided on your response then, once again, you are not listening. "How are you?" "My dog died yesterday and I am really sad about it." "That's good." Nope, you don't want to do that.
You've now gotten to the point of asking the question, waiting for the answer, and not creating a specific response. What comes next? The answer. You may have a specific expectation for an answer, a general expectation of an answer, or it may be open-ended with nothing particular in mind. "Is the project proceeding as scheduled?" (expecting a "yes") "How is the new equipment working for the team?" (expecting a generally positive answer but with potentially some caveats) "Do you have any plans for the weekend?" (yes, I'm going skydiving on Saturday and Sunday the whole family is going to a church picnic)
What happens if the answer does NOT fall into the range of your expectations? "Is the project proceeding as scheduled?" (No, it looks like we won't meet the current goal and the long-term deadline will need to be pushed back) "How is the new equipment working for the team?" (No one has been able to get it to work and the only people who are getting anything done are the ones who held onto the old equipment when they came to take it away) "Did you have a good day at school today?" (No, I decided it would be much more fun to go fishing, so Fred and I took off and went fishing by the dam)
How do you respond to an unexpected answer? The worst way to respond is by demonstrating that you weren't listening. "My dog died." (that's nice) While a highly positive response is good for unexpected good news ("my daughter just got a full scholarship for Kansas State University.") explosive anger to bad, or unexpected, news does not serve any positive purpose. Explosive anger can only lead to the situation where people no longer feeling free to communicate bad news to you (shot that messenger one too many times)
If you ask a question from which you expect an answer then wait, listen, consider, and respond appropriately and constructively.
