Back when I was growing up (and still am doing such), I was very quick in listening to what was said and replying -- either with word humor (not always appreciated) or a particular insight (which may or may not have been universally agreed upon). Since I probably was (and am) on the autistic spectrum (as are two of my sons), my connection to the social environment was not the best in the world. In fact, there were a lot of times when the general interpretation of things and the way I looked at things just didn't work together at all. For one thing, I actively hated euphemisms (still do -- I think they steal from language). For another, people often do not say what they really mean. How often have you heard the phrase "oh, you know what I mean"? Perhaps many "neurotypical" people do such. I didn't.
This meant that that fast responses sometimes got me into trouble. (Sometimes it just got me a vacant stare and a "huh".) Sometimes people felt hurt even though that was not my intention. Sometimes everyone agreed it was correct but it was considered extremely impolite to have said so. Sometimes I got a groan. Some responses were innocuous. Others hurt. A few got me in trouble. I remember one time, when I was about nine years old, we were going to visit a neighbor. My mother informed me to "find something nice to say about their place". We went to their place and was walking around and they had a rather nice puzzle put together on one table covered with about an eighth of an inch of dust. I wiped my finger along the top to better see the puzzle colors. Remembering my mother's advice, I noted "this is a really nice puzzle ... but it sure is dusty". I can't remember the neighbor's reaction but my mother was not happy.
Many people on the autistic spectrum do not naturally interpret social cues, or make use of them. But what comes naturally to most can be painfully learned by others if desired enough. I decided that it was important to me to do such. According to studies (and, as I have said before -- if you don't like a study result -- wait for the next one), there comes a time (maybe in your 30s), when trained observances can surpass natural observances. That doesn't preclude occasional bombs -- conversations are NOT always sensible or logical.
Beyond the challenges of neurodiversity, there is the aspect of culture that applies to everyone in most societies. A fast response, a "witty" response sometimes "wins" within the group. This is where the THINK philosophy comes into play. Is it (T)rue? Is it (H)elpful? Is it (I)nspiring? Is it (N)ecessary? and is it (K)ind? This philosophy tries to facilitate conversation by making sure that what is said is a constructive item and can help both to learn and grow -- and recognize the caring of each.
Great theory -- and often is useful and even successful. But each of these questions is still subject to interpretation. It may be true according to gobs of research and still not believed by the other (particularly in data silo days). It may be meant to be helpful in bringing about a common field of discussion but not everyone wants that. Inspiring and Necessary bring about reasons of motivation and not everyone will agree to that. But KIND is possible. Kind keeps it relevant and not personal. A fact is for discussion. A situation is to be looked upon. The accident may be unfortunate and preventable but the person who makes the mistake can still be well-meaning. Personal attacks are non-constructive, irrelevant, and not useful.
So, it is possible to learn how to interpret. It is still important to have TIME to interpret. A fast retort, a great "zinger" just is not compatible. Similar to the idea of a little devil on one shoulder whispering bad ideas to you and a little angel reminding you of good things on the other -- I picture a little referee on my shoulder. They intercept, allow time for judgement and decisions, and then let go or stop.
When cutting lumber, the saying is "measure twice, cut once". For responses, it is all to the good to "think twice, speak once". Do you self-monitor what you say? If so, how do you do it?
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