In the recent US election turmoil, one of the candidates indicated that they heard an opponent say something insulting about them. The other candidate denied that they had said it. I believe both of them. The reality is that what we hear is not always what the other person says. Especially during emotional moments, we tend to shift the words around based on our histories and expectations.
There is a game called "telephone". Within this game, people gather in a circle (I suppose it could be done with only three people). One person whispers something in the ear of the first person, who then whispers it into the ear of the next person within the circle, and so on -- until it gets back to the person who originally said it. Depending on how many people are in the circle, the amount of distortion of the original message can be enormous. Within the context of the game, this is considered to be something for great laughter and enjoyment. Within the context of life, it can lead to all kinds of problems.
Of course, heard/said still applies to other media. Email, voice telephone, gossip over the fence, ... With email and social media, it is possible to backtrack and find out what was originally said -- but not necessarily what was originally meant. Sometimes what is said is not clear -- it is sometimes "open to misinterpretation". Somewhat like the grammar joke of the difference between "Come in and eat, grandma" and "Come in and eat grandma".
In real life, if you misinterpreted the above example, your response would likely be "WHAT?" And then the meaning would be clarified amidst smiles and chuckles (hopefully the second interpretation was not the correct one). But it is often the case that there is no feedback and no request for clarification. A good friend of the family says that "assume" just makes an "ass of u and me".
Not listening well can cause a lot of problems. A subset of listening is called "Active listening" and that is when you are listening in order to have a reasonable, constructive response. ("Passive listening" is when you are listening to music in the background or a prerecorded lecture -- though, in the latter case, listening better is likely to still be of great use.) Luckily, listening is a skill that can be learned (if desired to learn). The following areas of focus are oriented primarily towards active listening -- but can be useful in passive listening cases also.
- Face the speaker. Of course, this cannot be done in social media. In fact, many people posting within social media don't think of the post to which they are replying as coming from a person at all. But, if you can face the speaker, then it will help you to notice facial and body clues as well as give the speaker more confidence that you are listening.
- Picture what is being said. This is not daydreaming. This is being fully attuned to the speaker with all of your senses.
- Withhold judgement and don't interrupt. How can you form a reasonable response before you know what all has been said -- and have taken the steps (as listed below) to make certain that you have actually heard what has been said? Let the speaker (or writer) finish what they are saying before formulating a response. For a long initial message, taking notes may be needed to properly pose questions about areas that might be misunderstood. For a written, or prerecorded, message it may be useful to read it, or hear it, multiple times.
- Summarize and clarify. The speaker has finished. Now it is your job to make certain that you have heard what was meant to be said. One method is to reflect the conversation back. "I heard you say X, Y, and Z". Is that correct?" "When you said X, just what did you mean?"
This is an iterative process which does not end until both of you are in agreement that each person knows what the other meant to say. This does NOT mean that you agree with each other. But you will at least know what areas are there for discussion if the person is open to discussion about the matter (or for just recognizing the other's right to have a different viewpoint or opinion).
Sometimes it is NOT a matter of listening well; you may understand what the other person is saying very well -- and disagree very strongly. You may understand what the other person is saying very well -- but it is not truthful.
In the current era, listening well is a skill that has lost ground -- fewer make the attempt. Whether you end up agreeing or not, whether it is true or not, with active listening you are disagreeing with what they meant rather than what you think they said and meant. This allows the potential for discussion and resolution.
