Imposter Syndrome: Am I who you think I am?

 

     Once upon a time, I was scared to death of public appearances or public speaking. Then I started being part of plays in school. When I stepped onto the stage, I was no longer Charles Summers, I was Mr. Paravicini or I was the Mayor Munchkin or a member of the chorus in Bye Bye Birdie. Whoever I was, I wasn't myself. Therefore, whatever you thought of that person on the stage, it wasn't about me.

     A person doesn't have to be physically in front of others to feel reluctant to be there. Every time I write a blog, or a book, or a response to a message on social media, I know that I am subject to attacks -- either because they DO understand what I have said and disagree or because they do NOT understand what I have said (and possibly never actually read it beyond a certain word that triggered some type of reaction) and feel the need to use me as a target for a need to vent.

     In the above two cases, I am either deliberately presenting an "imposter" as an overlay of myself or I am leaving open the possibility of being considered an "imposter". 

     But when the concept of "imposter syndrome" comes up, these (though closely related) are not what is meant. This is a situation where your self-image is out of sync with the image others have of you or the role within which you have been placed. The peculiar part of this is that both can be wrong, or both right, or neither right, or neither wrong, or any mix.

     Each one of us is a mix of history, self-concept, externally applied credentials, and projection.

     Most of us enjoy a challenge. We like to do things, to make things, to achieve things that we have never accomplished before. But it is impossible to both have the certainty that we can do it and that excitement of something we have never done before. Lack of certainty requires self-belief in order to move forward. Some have more problems with that. Some do not have "enough" problems with such (they do very reckless, impromptu things -- that occasionally pay off with success).

     The dominant use of the phrase "imposter syndrome" is that of being in a day-to-day situation where the needs change on a daily, hourly, or per minute basis. When needs match up with, or require fewer than, our skills and our confidence in our abilities, there is no problem. When it becomes a new situation requiring untested abilities (and perhaps abilities that need to learned quickly) then it becomes very uncomfortable.

     If the position you are in does not put you into this situation at least occasionally, you are not being challenged and you are unlikely to be able to grow in your abilities and experience. But what is the right amount? Untested challenges 10% of the time? 25% of the time? 40% of the time? At some point, most people will lose confidence in their ability to react, and learn, quickly enough. They are an "imposter" trying to fill a position for which they don't feel they qualify.

     As the saying goes, however, "no person is an island". Each of us is (or can be, some have problem interacting with others) part of a larger group. It does not require 100% self-confidence -- we can rely some (not all) on the confidence that others put on us. We do not have to be able to do everything 100% ourselves. We can delegate, we can cooperate, we can work out mutually supportive deals. That requires the recognition that help is needed and a specific type of self-confidence that allows us to ask for help and recognize that asking is a strength and not a weakness.

     We are all imposters at some point in time -- until we become (at least, in part) the character that we are fated to play.

I am not getting older, I am acquiring a new layer

     I have the privilege of turning 60 years of age this year. It is indeed a privilege but I cannot truly claim that I feel like I have been growing older -- it's just that more and more of the people around me are growing younger each year. While there are indeed parts of this body that are not running as well as they used to, there are a (too) few parts that run better than ever. I am, indeed, the same person that I used to be but, like a tree with its tree rings, I keep accumulating layers.

     Perhaps an analogy to a Matryoshka nesting doll might be more appropriate. Someone from the outside notices only the outside layer but I have access to all of the layers down to the first one that became self-aware. (That seems to vary from person to person -- some even claiming to recall their birth.)

     That doesn't mean that all of the layers are intact or equally accessible. As is true for most people, there are periods of my life that didn't go so well -- or had outside events happening that prevented (or accelerated) growth during that time. In this situation, perhaps tree rings are a better analogy; growth rings get wider or narrower depending on existing conditions for the year. Perhaps, like the view of light in physics, the layers can be seen differently depending on what is being observed.

     This view is not symmetrical -- people on the "outside" first see the outside layer of the nesting doll. And, frankly, people are not very good at observing those layers. Due to wonderful inheritances from my parents and grandparents, I got my first white hair at age 11 and was largely bald by age 30. A teenager gave me my first senior discount at age 38. (I didn't ask for it but who was I to embarrass them by refusing it?) It works in my favor now, however, as people start saying how young I look for my age .

     I say that people first see the outside layer -- but once people start getting to know others those layers start peeling away. I have an advantage, of course, because I already know what is underneath my own layers. Younger people may have more difficulty finding my layer that is parallel to theirs. One has to be a bit careful in "behaving one's age" if, for that day, you actually feel that 21-year-old within you trying to peek back out.

     One of the exercises of advancing age is to keep de-nesting the layers of the doll. If a situation calls for the attitudes of a 21-year-old then do so (tempered by the (hoped-for) wisdom and experience of your later layers). It is important to not let the layers get stuck together because there is so much that was learned and times when the attitudes and approaches of each age are the most appropriate.