For Their Own Good: No, it probably isn't -- for many reasons

     I am a voracious reader (my wife even moreso) and often get SF/Fantasy books before they become well known. One of things I got was a copy of “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone” back before most people had even heard of him. As people who enjoy the series knows, Harry is courageous, loyal, honorable, and a number of other great, positive, attributes. That doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have weak aspects of his character. This makes him more human as well as providing gist for the author to write more about what he must overcome.

     Since the scene happens very early in the book, I don’t consider this much of a spoiler. Within the second book in the series, “Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets”, a house elf named Dobby pops into Harry’s bedroom and TELLS (doesn’t ask, doesn’t inform, doesn’t reason) Harry that he must not return to Hogwarts. In spite of Harry’s efforts to quiet him or stop him from making his Aunt and Uncle angry, Dobby pays no attention to Harry. He has stopped him from getting letters from friends and now he is telling him what to do (or what not to do). Various methods continue to be used (sometimes explicitly but, more often, just inexplicable disastrous events) throughout the book that try to get Harry away from Hogwarts.

     Towards the end, in response to a query from Dobby about how Dobby can repay him, Harry asks Dobby to promise him to “never try to save my life again”. Dobby’s efforts — though with the best of motives to help and protect Harry — have been among the greatest obstacles Harry has had to face. And this reflects actions that happen in real life to us all.

This is for your own good

     I suspect that most of us have been told this at some time or another. Possibly from a parent, possibly from a friend or acquaintance. At best, it is a bad way to phrase a situation. At worst, it is a statement of control. It may be from a desire to protect based out of personal experience. It may be based on a sense of responsibility (especially as a parent). But the person does NOT know “it is for your own good”. It may be the worst possible thing. It may be avoiding a life lesson that would have been useful for the rest of the person’s life. It probably isn’t meant to be bad advice — but it certainly says “hey, there are a lot of useful things that should be talked about and we aren’t talking about them”.

     As seen from the scenes in the Harry Potter book, sometimes the desire to protect can cause greater danger than the event being protected from.

I know what you want

     This one is also something that most of us have heard at some point. They have declared that they have the power to read your mind. It would be good if they headed off to a carnival to set up a fortune teller’s booth — an appropriate use of their skills. Sometimes this is not stated up front at the beginning. Instead, they give you a watermelon flavored popsicle and say “I knew this would be what you would have chosen” — while you really dislike watermelon- flavored things.

     This situation is a call for communication. But it is also an indication that communication has not been good in the past. Sometimes it is a result of “politeness” such that you have been taught to appreciate anything given and not complain about it. It is a good way to have a house filled with specialized objects, that you don’t even like, as one person who has given you something tells others and they assume that you liked it since you didn’t say otherwise.

     This is also an opportunity for practice of assertiveness. “Thank you for your thinking of me but watermelon is not my favorite flavor”. Polite but, if they are listening to you at all, they now know that you don’t like watermelon flavored popsicles. “No, I don’t want that.” Sometimes they will then insist that you DO want that. They have no desire to listen. How you respond to that is very dependent on many things. The safest is to not respond, allow things to proceed, and minimize interactions (if possible) with the other person.

     Note that telling them, and their forgetting, can be irritating but not necessarily done on purpose.

I know what you need

     This is an additional step of control. They are not only telling you that they have read your mind but they also have possession of a crystal ball that will tell them the future.

     All of these behaviors can be lumped under the phrase “presumptuous control”. We have all encountered such (unless VERY lucky). Sometimes the control word is in command and we cannot do anything about it. At other times, via communication and assertion, we can use the situation to improve the relationship.

Under what circumstances have you been the target of, or have initiated, such statements?

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Control: The Addictive Illusion

 I would love to be able to control my life. Control the fates of the country, the world, the challenges of the loved ones in my life. I can’t. No one can. That doesn’t mean to imply that we are powerless. We can help to make certain paths more likely and other paths less likely. We are movers of statistical probabilities!

But, somehow, that doesn’t sound all that impressive. It doesn’t sound like something to put on a tombstone or as part of a eulogy.

We are all going to die. Unless some dramatic discovery pops up, we have very little ability to even change our death date in a positive manner. (There are a lot of ways to change it in a negative manner.) A lot of the “do this and live longer” people have finally admitted that it isn’t true. So, they have moved to “do this and feel well longer”. I think this is a very healthy migration. Certainly, it is more accurate and, perhaps, by being more honest more people will be open to the message.

     There are many things that can happen to vividly demonstrate that we do not really have control over events of life. “Acts of God” are a group that is becoming more prevalent of late — due to climate change and shifts in population growth and the direction towards which many direct their hopes. Pay that final mortgage payment — earthquake! Farmers are especially susceptible to such — if one saves and budgets then most of the time a person can survive the lean years (and, due to droughts, floods, mechanical calamities, infestations, etc — there will be some). But, change the statistical frequency of events and all bets are off.

     There are also events, which abruptly change potential paths, that cannot be considered “Acts of God” — because they appear to be in the hands of people. Study for six years to obtain a degree in a field that, at the start of study, seems “lucrative and stable”. Public tastes change, technological “breakthroughs” happen, people wielding power make absurd decisions — what was once stable is now a platform of gelatin. Do your best to protect your family by taking only public transportation — and a drunk driver wipes out much of the family when you are walking along the sidewalk. Even when the statistical situation is stable, there is never a guarantee that you won’t be on the losing end of the curve.

     All that is about control of yourself and the world around you. Control of others? Please, please forget about that. It is possible to create confining parameters to greatly limit choices — a virtual, or physical, prison — but choices always exist even if none of them are desired. With choices, control vanishes. That does not mean to imply that people’s situations are their choices. Control doesn’t exist anywhere. And most might choose to live under very restrictive circumstances rather than the choice of death.

     Except for the method of imposing restrictions on choices, we cannot control anyone (including ourselves). We can, however, provide incentives and encouragement to persuade others (and ourselves) to want to change. We cannot make others happy but we can do things, say things, and work to arrange things such that they are more likely to allow themselves to feel happy. We cannot, and do not, make others angry — their reactions are up to them to choose. But, by pushing their “buttons” we can help to create conditions such that they are more likely to choose to be angry. And by creating conditions that they associate with happiness, we help them to allow themselves to be happy.

     People recognize that we cannot control the weather. They recognize we cannot control the traffic lights when we drive (at least, not most of us). There are other things “out there” that people acknowledge we cannot control. But most of us still think there are aspects of ourselves and others that we can control. Would that it were so.

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