Forgiveness: A Gift to Myself

     Many people (not you, of course) think that forgiveness is about the other person. Someone has done, or said, something that you consider offensive or bad — and you are supposed to want to forgive them. Stepping back from this imagined situation, why would they WANT you to forgive them? They might believe that they didn’t do anything offensive or bad. They might not care that they did something offensive or bad. If they are aware, and do care, then they are very likely to be apologizing to you.

     Let us assume that they have apologized to you. They are either acknowledging that they have not behaved their best or they feel there is a social need to make an apology to you. In this case, forgiveness is an acknowledgement, on your part, that they have made an apology. An appropriate response would be “I accept your apology” or, of course, “I do not accept your apology”. In this second case, if they are listening to you then their next step might either be indignation (they have done all that they can, or are willing to, do) or a request for clarification as to what more you need to hear or to be done. And so on.

     But, what are the consequences of your NOT forgiving the other (whether or not they have offered an apology)? The stated, or unstated, hope is that by withholding your forgiveness their life will continue under a shadow recognizing that they have done something bad in their life. Is that realistic?

     Who among us has never done something that was not as good as we would have preferred? Certainly not I. There are a handful of scenarios within my life history that I would change if I could. (And I am positive that there are other events I have done badly of which I am NOT aware.) And they HAVE affected my life because of their continued presence in my memory. They exist as a prick to my conscience to endeavor to do better in the future. That awareness of the past helps me to determine the standards that I require myself to meet. If I could place back into those places, perhaps I would have made an apology.

     But life moves on. I go on to make new mistakes. I recognize that I will never achieve the goal of perfection (though, as a Quaker, it is still a self-flagellation that occurs). I do not, I cannot, allow myself to remain stuck within my past. I must live and grow.

     Back to the qualities, and objectives, of forgiveness. Forgiveness as an acknowledgement may help both move on easier. But forgiveness as an acceptance may be even more important. We are not responsible to “make” them move on their journey. But acceptance can allow the “forgiver” to more easily move along. The “chains” we enact between ourselves and the past can be broken.

     Forgiveness unchains us to allow us to move forward.

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Gifting: An Intersection of Desires

     ‘Tis the season (although, fairly, this newsletter’s topic may be a bit on the late side) for gifts and giving. Together, they create a situation of “gifting”. To gift someone is to give and for it to be accepted. Just giving is not sufficient. You might say, “well if I have given something to them then they have accepted it, haven’t they”. No, not really. To just take possession is not quite the same as acceptance. acceptance is a combination of receiving, possession and acknowledgement.

     Giving is also not quite as clearcut as many might tend to believe. If you give there are no attachments. It is no longer “yours” and any preconceptions you may have had about how that gift would be used or appreciated is no longer in your hands. They may throw it away, ignore it, sell it, put it into a “white elephant” sale, or put it onto a pedestal as their newly favorite possession. Whatever they do with the gift is fully their right.

     Nor is a gift necessarily appreciated — although that is the goal. When choosing a gift, there are at least two people’s desires coming into play. (It is possible that it must also be appreciated by a third party or parties.) High priority is giving something that the recipient will want. However, highest priority is to give something that the recipient will want AND something that you will enjoy giving to the other — an intersection of desires.

     If it is something that only the recipient will enjoy, it may still be a good gift — but it is somewhat of an anonymous gift. The gift could have come from anyone — or even could have come from themself. When you give something that you want to give, it means that the gift means something to you also. There is a much better chance that the gift will act as a mutual experience between the two of you. This can foster greater closeness and increase the likelihood that the gift (if kept) will remind the recipient of you.

     It is sometimes said that a true gift is “something from oneself” or “a gift of the heart”. Certainly, in the Christian tradition, the gifts to the Christ child from the Three Magi are of less importance than (in modern tradition — not noted anyplace in the Bible) those gifts from “the little drummer boy”. They are still of import — not because they are expensive, precious, items of the time, or as they may be interpreted as representing — but because of the long, and difficult, journey of the Three Magi. It is the journey, and recognition, that is the true gift.

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