"He made me sad". "She made me angry". "They keep me so frustrated". Do any of these phrases sound familiar to you? Do you ever think about them in preparation to not have it happen again? What do you consider? How do you approach future prevention?
I certainly would never try to say that a person hasn't done something that you reacted to. They break that expensive vase that has been in the family for years. They track mud and leaves all over a freshly cleaned and waxed floor. He borrowed your car when you were about ready to leave for a job interview. And there are much worse actions that may become part of your life.
But most people use the word "cause" (or "made" or "keep") in a way that isn't real. If something CAUSES something else then the result is (almost) universal. Whenever A is done then B is the result. If B sometimes happens and sometimes it does NOT happen -- then there is no "cause".
Let's look at it in a different way. We have two households. In each household, a running child causes a vase to be broken. In the first household, the person in charge gets angry and reacts with harsh language -- perhaps even gets violent. In the second household, the person in charge exclaims, then laughs, and then has the child stop so they can discuss what has happened, how behavior needs to change for it not to happen again, and possibly what the child needs to do to make up for the problem (they probably need to clean up their mess -- perhaps they also have to save up their allowance to buy a new lamp).
The initial action (breaking the vase) is the same. The results, or reactions, are very different. Thus, breaking the lamp did NOT "cause" anger. There are characteristics, within the person in charge, that are different -- making each more likely to react differently.
And that is the way it is with most things in life. There is an action. There may be a dominant reaction -- something that most people do in reaction. But there are alternate reactions possible -- many of which may be more productive.
As a former child and as a current parent, I recognize that there are always "buttons" that can be pushed with people. Children are especially good at discovering these -- and making use of them. "If I do THIS, then they will react like THAT". Everyone has different "buttons". The full statement should be "If I do THIS with THIS person, then THIS person will react like THAT". Different person, potentially different reaction. Different person, different "button" in effect.
And that is the way of the world. No one can control the actions that occur -- by other people, by nature, by the universe in general. But we have a LOT of control over how we react.
Consider that next time you hear yourself say "that makes me so angry". Just why is it so?
No comments:
Post a Comment